we got a lot to learn
by white hyacinth
Summary: If it's so stupid why aren't you saying anything? —SimonIsabelle.


**disclaimer**: everything belongs to cassandra clare.

* * *

"I don't know.  
I guess, I didn't listen to something she told me or something?  
I mean, I liked her.  
It's like you embarrass yourself if you say something  
And you embarrass yourself if you don't."  
—Dylan Mee, _We Bought A Zoo_

* * *

It's like a hard equation that no one ever solves, love. It jumps around you and there are days where it can embrace you in a hug where you never want to let go, and there are other days where it can sent you flying across a room with rage. There are times when it can bury you in a deep dark corner when you have no intentions of escaping, and there are times when you've on cloud nine because of it.

It's kinda how she feels about him sometimes.

She knows he doesn't deserve her attention and her thoughts and even her consideration, but his gracefulness and just _him _in general is something she can't get her mind off of. Sometimes, during her bad days, she likes to think of him as a two-timing bitch—he _had _been dating Maia when they were supposed to be dating—but there were other days when she actually tried to put herself in his shoes.

But still, knowing that he was dating Maia when she was sure they were dating just hurt. She had called herself his _girlfriend _for God's sake! She was Isabelle Lightwood, known to never show pain or fear or become conflicted over the silliest things like love and romance and relationships. She was far too busy to ponder over things like that. Isabelle Lightwood did _not _have a weakness.

That was, until Simon Lewis came along. Initially she never paid attention to him—he _was _just a mundane after all and he wasn't very bright to begin with—but it somehow warmed her heart when he still broke down her walls after Max had died. Simon didn't know her very well, but he still was there to hold her when they laid that night. She wouldn't even accept Alec or Jace to come in to hear her wails, but Simon was different.

She had to admit that maybe his vampire transformation was a little bit of a turn-on for her—and c'mon, she dated Downworlders anyways—but Simon wasn't a fling like everyone else had been. Maybe it had been in the beginning, but she was sure their relationship—or however he wants to call it—is not a fling. It would have hurt too much to learn that it actually was.

Besides, Maia Roberts was _very_ beautiful. It took Isabelle a lot of time to think, but she can soon understand why Simon developed a _thing _for Maia. They were opposites, Isabelle and Maia. But yet, they managed to share one thing in common: Simon.

.

If he had to choose between Isabelle and Maia, he wouldn't be able to do it. He would probably run away back to Kyle's apartment and bury his face in his pillow before calling Clary because Clary would understand and she would know how to make him feel better. They were best friends; she was _suppose _to know how to cheer him up. But that was all before he was a vampire, and his interests practically raced from one end of the spectrum to the other end. He was different, but he would be lying if he said that he was no longer _Simon_. He was still Simon, he cracked jokes and didn't like seeing his friends hurt and, like many other vampires in the world, didn't chose to be where he was right now. Time-stopped at sixteen years old, gripping onto his friends because he just _knows _that one day they won't be here anymore and he'll be left with Camille, Raphael, and Magnus. He'll always remember Magnus, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, who dated Alec.

He can't imagine things being different, really. He doesn't _accept _different. He hates the idea of seeing the people he loves going away and never coming back. He'll forget their faces and their names, the memories imprinted in his mind driving him insane.

Most of the time he gets a bitter tang in his mouth when he realizes that as time grows older, so is everyone else. They don't understand what it's like; to be frozen forever at sixteen. Even being age-frozen in general sucked. He could never grow up, never learn things everyone else would learn. Even the mere thought of it sent a dreadful shake through his bones.

He hates it, he hates it so much.

.

She doesn't know how it started; their serious—dating exclusively—relationship. But ever since the events that happened with Lilth and Simon almost dying trying to bring Sebastian back from the dead, it sort of... happened. She knows that their relationship can't go on forever—she may be a Shadowhunter, but most Shadowhunters die young and even though he knows that he ignores it and tries to make a grab for everything she's willing to throw at him—but she doesn't care. Because a part of her loves Simon, but another part of her refuses to admit it.

She tries to talk to Clary about her confusion—because these sort of emotions really never happened to her before—and glares at the red-head when she throws her head back in laughter. "C'mon," she'd say, grinning with amusement twinkling her eyes. "A question _Isabelle Lightwood _can't answer? Interesting..." And Isabelle would try to defend herself—and her dignity, even though at this rate she wasn't sure she had much to begin with—before she'd realize how much Clary's words were true. She _was _Isabelle Lightwood. She feared nothing, yet there was just _so _fear she feared.

But most of all, at this moment in time, she feared for Simon. Simon&Isabelle: her biggest fear.

.

They've been dating for a couple of months now, and they're both still sixteen when she decides to finally pop the question.

It wasn't really a _serious _question—okay, maybe it was—but it was something she had taken very careful consideration of. She thought about it in the long nights when they slept together; laying side-by-side with his cold hands around her waist and her soft breathing tickling his neck and even had to talk about it with Clary. And, yet again, Clary laughed at her and accused Isabelle of always making things so hard. When Isabelle glared at Clary, Clary gathered the remaining pieces of her breath and told Isabelle and all she needed was to suck it up and just take 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery and she was in good hands.

Simon and Isabelle were having dinner that night at Kyle's apartment. He and Maia—yes, they made up: much to Isabelle's relief—went out earlier that night and made Simon swear that the clothes would stay on tonight. And homemade pasta would have tasted a lot better if her mind wasn't racing with the stupidest question ever invented.

_If it's so stupid why aren't you saying anything_?

_20 seconds_, Clary had said. _That's all you need. And I promise you, something great and amazing and incredible and awesome_—

_One adjective is fine Clary_, Isabelle had interrupted, not finding the situation the least bit amusing.

Clary made a face. _Something great will come of it. I promise_.

"Simon..."

"Yeah?" Simon looked up from his food. He wasn't really eating, Isabelle knew why (when Simon had asked why Isabelle bothered to made a dish for him when she knew _perfectly _well that he didn't bother trying to eat human food she told him that he didn't have to eat, it's just that when they both had plates of food in front of them it felt more like a date and that's what she felt like she really needed).

"If—if you needed too," Isabelle started carefully. "Would you Turn me?"

Immediately, Simon's fork clattered to the floor. He looked at her with dark eyes and it looked like he half expected her to crack open a smile and laugh and tell him he was looking entirely too serious for his own good. "Why—why would I do that?"

"If, if I was dying," she moved on to explain. "And the only way to save me was to Turn me, would you do it?"

"Isabelle," Simon began, hesitating and looked conflicted and nervous and Isabelle's stomach turned in on itself when Simon wasn't answering right now. "Immortality sucks. Having to watch everyone you love grow up and pass away without you. Watching them have fun with people more their age... that sucks too. Some vampires would rather have died on the spot then get turned into vampires."

Isabelle casted her eyes downward. He didn't answer her question, but she decided not to push it. Seeing Simon looked so conflicted... it made her nervous and made her think that if she wasn't careful he would leave her alone in Kyle's apartment.

Sometimes, that's what Simon was; a bomb that would explode if not handled carefully.

.

It's been a week, and Isabelle&Simon haven't seen each other for a week. Not since Isabelle popped up the question during dinner. They had continued the rest of the evening in silence and when they were done Simon insisted that he walk Isabelle home, which lead to many long minutes of silence. It wasn't awkward or comfortable, but Isabelle didn't really have questions to change the mood. But Simon had simply kissed her cheek when they reached the gates and she saw the way he trudged the way down the street, something he often did when he was conflicted or thinking deeply.

Finally, after a week of no calling or no text messages or no "cliché-seeing-each-other-on-the-streets-and-embracing"; she goes to see him herself.

Kyle answers the door, and even though there is something in his eyes that makes Isabelle _know _that Simon brought up the conversation between him and her during dinner to Kyle she manages to push past him and walks straight to Simon room and discovers that he's lying atop the blankets and pillows with his dark eyes glued to the ceiling. He takes one look at her and looks conflicted again. "I thought I told Kyle to tell you I didn't want to be bothered—"

"—Well, you are," she countered, but made no motion to walk to his bed. "What's up Simon? No calls, no texts? Not even _Clary _has heard from you and she's a lot more worried about you than I am, if that's even possible..."

"I've been thinking," he muttered, sitting up and still not looking at her. "About what you said at dinner."

Isabelle could feel her hearts darkening. "Simon—"

"Why would you really ask a question like that?" There's no accusation in his voice; just curiosity.

She needs to play with her hair before thinking of a true answer to his question. "I just— I really want to—" She attempts and swallows a flustered noise and tries again. "The idea that you might be alone for the rest of your life... it kinda kills me..."

Simon raises an eyebrow. "Are you telling me I won't be able to pick up other girls?"

"_No_," Isabelle interjects sharply, and takes a breath and tries again. "The idea of someone having you... it burns me a little."

There, she said it.

Isabelle Lightwood, someone who never admitted her feelings to anyone before; just somehow confessed to Simon that she was in love with him. And while a part of her thinks that he should know already that, there's still that heart racing experience. It reminds her of the same sort of adrenalin when she's fighting a demon.

Simon just blinks before he smiles a little, the corners of his mouth turned upwards. He moves over and motions for her to sit down next to him.

She does, and smiles back because even though they don't exchange any real words; she knows that he understands her enough to just want to lay with her and forget everything else.

.

"Isn't weird that all it took was just 20 seconds to ask me if I had to, when the time came, turn you into a vampire?"

Isabelle frowns. "20 seconds of _insane _courage Simon. There's a huge difference in that."

He just laughs and puts his arm around her.

* * *

**a/n**: i don't know where this came from. i know it's a little cut off at the end because i kinda ran out of ideas as the storyline continued on. but i really wanted to write something simon&isabelle since im really into the books. i just recently finished _city of fallen angels _and my heart was beating really fast when they almost kissed. then it ended and i got mad.

the whole "20 seconds of insane courage" thing comes from that movie _we bought a zoo _and it's that number one quote my friend always tries to pull on me around a guy. who knew it would become a topic for a simon&isabelle story?

make sure to review!


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